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10
JUL
2014

SMH Article: Can you make someone fall in love with you?

The Sydney Morning Herald Newspaper recently quoted me in an article on ‘Can you make someone fall in love with you?’ Is there a mysterious spark that some people have when they meet or are there ways to help love happen? Is the best way to just be ourselves and be loving, honest and genuine? We live in an instant world brought up on romantic movies and  songs. If we don’t have a ‘Hollywood’ version of instantly falling in love, does that mean it won’t ever happen naturally?

love rose dew article

In Process Oriented Psychology relationships therapy, I follow everyone’s individual process of falling in love as it is different for everyone.  I am interested in the known and the unknown. Do you have a belief system that a potential partner just wouldn’t naturally fall in love with you? If so, why not? The sense of using techniques to make someone, if that is possible anyway, could suggest that you think you need to influence the other person strongly to fall in love with  you. Sometimes we do this in certain ways unconsciously.

However to use strategies consciously may actually have the opposite effect! You could come across as fake or the person will discover that you are not showing them the ‘real’ you. If you don’t believe that you are lovable or are not confident or have a difficult and fearful history in relationships, then it’s better to become aware and deal with those issues. Of course, many books called ‘7 way’s to make someone fall in love with you’ may sell well! This doesn’t mean that it will work.

Trust that being honest, open and your true authentic self is the key for someone to fall in love with you naturally and will lead to more chance of the relationship lasting over time.

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Here is the latter part of the published article in the Australian Sydney Morning Herald newspaper. I have edited, changed and added in some extra information for this article.

Make someone Fall in Love with you.

While desire is one thing, the idea of falling in love appeals to a lot of us. So how can you make someone fall in love you?

“There needs to be some sort of attraction to begin with,” says individual and relationship therapist Sherry Marshall. “Love is not the same as infatuation but there are some techniques that are written about, that we could use to help somebody fall in love with us,” she says.

Proximity
Once the attraction has formed, repeated exposure amplifies what is already there… either positive or annoying feelings…There is an American study where people fall in love when they live within 5 to 15 blocks of each other.

Character 
Before looking for love it’s important to work on being happy within yourself first…. Other than self-confidence, Pines who has written a book on falling  in love and why we choose the lovers we choose, says people tend to be attracted to someone “who make us feel good and who are warm, sensitive, and funny”.

“But for most of us there needs to be a physical or emotional attraction first,” says Sherry Marshall. “A lot of the time, the attraction grows over time as we get to know the person more.”  

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Similarity
Despite the saying, opposites don’t attract. The more couples have in common, the more compatible they feel…..When it comes to emphasising similarities, Sherry Marshall says: “Let the person know you have the qualities they are looking for.”

Arousal 
“A man or woman who meets a potential partner after the excitement of winning a great promotion or the opposite, when mourning a terrible loss is more likely to fall in love than s/he would be on a normal day.
In fact, a common form of arousal is when you’re on the rebound.

Marshall says, “Being on the rebound is a cliche for a reason. When we are on the rebound we are often very vulnerable and the way we make ourselves feel better is to meet someone quite quickly.”

Beauty
Which attracts us more, personality or appearance? In an analysis of the romantic attraction interviews, Pines found, “Personality traits play a more important role in falling in love than physical appearance, and appearance plays a far more important role for men than it does for women.”

“As well as letting your personality shine,” Marshall also says things like giving your love interest compliments and making eye contact can help boost their feelings towards you.

Sherry Marshall concludes, “But do we really want to make someone fall in love with us? Being ourselves and really trusting that we’ll make a life together, that’s more grounding. Be yourself and if it’s meant to happen, it will.
If you aren’t yourself, it’s not going to last anyway.”

About the Author
Sherry (BSc. Sociology; MAA. Social Work, AMHSW; Masters Science Soc. Ecology; Diplomate, Process Psychology) is a faculty Director of ANZPOP.

She has offered expert psychological counselling in Australia and overseas since 1989. Sherry is currently based in both the Sydney CBD and on the Northern Beaches near Manly. She also offers national and international phone and Skype appointments.

If you would like more information or wish to reference something you have read on this website please contact Sherry.

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